Perhaps someday

What would I do if you said yes, this question I dare not ask. These pointless debates leading me to this point no matter the change. Perhaps in an alternate dimension I could be with you, but not in this one. Here you shun me as though I were the plague. You declare that I might be stalking you, and make sure that I could do no such thing. I could if I dared, I even know how, but why would I? Such actions would only push you away further and faster.

I stare at the wall and thoughts of what might have been resound in my head, teasing me in the most painful manner to be done. Teasing me for what reason I dare not pursue. Pain is but a small price to pay, the larger price is not pain, but rather the absence of love. I did love you, hell I still do. If I saw you again and suddenly, without reason or method, you decided you would have me, and would not consider in my mind, not ever for a second. I would take you where ever you wanted to go, do what you wanted me to, I'd be whipped, and I'm not afraid to admit it. Those who think they are stronger than love must be very lonely.

I'd love to be your number one zero, and keep you in the corner of my eye. I'd love to pretend to be your friend as another person, just so that I might know you. Just so I could read what you write. Just so I could know when you were sad, or mad, or needed a shoulder to cry on. But you won't have it. If you won't have it then I won't try to give it. I'll just take my lumps and move on. For as sad as I am, I'd never be able to forgive myself, come the day you'd want to meet this other person, I'd have been pretending to be, and instead meet me, running in fear and hating me for the rest of your life.

For as much pain as it causes me to let you go. I feel it's the right thing to do. I hope that someday in the far off future, when at last I see you again, you can finally forgive me, for the fear I somehow caused you. It was never my intention to hurt you, scare you or anything else related to those less desirable things. I only wished for the chance to get to know you a little better. Perhaps I do, and I just don't know how to except defeat.

I claim the sanity plea...

The sentence came down hard, like fire on ice.
The judge stood her ground, and pulled out a knife.
While I might plead my case, I couldn't find the heart to fight.
I knew I was wrong, even if I was right.

My lawyer turned around, a blank look on his face.
Said I could file an insanity plea, and I might win anyways.
I ignored this notion, and made it clear to him so.
As I pulled out a pen, and began to write down my goodbyes.

I betroth my possessions to the bums on the street, lay them out and let them take what they please.
I betroth my friendship to those who would receive it, I need not mention who they might be.
I betroth my feelings to those who I've known the longest, and who do truly know me, they are the support I have relied upon in my times of need.

As for my last wish, I ask only this. That the judge take my life with understanding of why I did what I did. Why it was I tried so hard to do what was wrong. Why I would not accept the insanity plea. Why I leave this world so willingly.